omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
