You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
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You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
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I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?