my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.