She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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