I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
