did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
