Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
