I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
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