Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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