Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
