god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
that may or may not have been my penis.
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