worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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