Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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