You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
