I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
