omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
