Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
