did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
