I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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