Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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