I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
