a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
