We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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