There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Randomize
