sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
and you fell through a lawn chair
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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