It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
