Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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