Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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