My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
