I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
