put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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