the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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