I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
