it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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