When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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