I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
