what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
