When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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