The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
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Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
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Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Im part way to drunk.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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