it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
