Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
cat food counts as protein by the way
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
