It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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