I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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