then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
third nipple confirmed
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
