I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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