so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize