I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
