nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
