K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
