drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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