i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
