Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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