community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
