So drunk its hurt
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
