lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
As shirtless as possible
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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