I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
